THE CAUSES OF JEALOUSY ARE MOSTLY IN CHILDHOOD

Asking yourself from time to time whether the partner is still firm and loyal to the relationship is a good thing, because you could notice that it would be time again to put more tender energy into love.

It is also great to get attention when you suddenly have the feeling that your loved one is going astray. Because: Jealousy is often a signal that things are not going so well between partners. This does not mean that someone cheats, but it can be an indication that they are more open than usual to "offers" from outside. And of course: if you are cheated, you have every right in the world to be jealous and offended.

Jealousy is the fear of loss and rejection

But there are also cases where every nice word to another person is a scandal, every minute delay is "evidence". Then jealousy becomes torture. For both. And a danger to love. What is jealousy? By definition, jealousy is the excruciating feeling of deprivation of love. It is the fear of loss, rejection. Depending on personality structure and experience, we tend to want to hold onto people and things.

The roots of jealousy are often in childhood

What most people affected by jealousy have no idea: The current partner triggers them, but their roots often go back a long way. The seed is usually planted in childhood when we are afraid of losing mom or dad. This fear is so threatening that we suppress it. However, it continues to grow in secret. Jealousy also leads to a hormonal emergency: various messenger substances are produced in excess or get out of balance. It is like an intoxication - which can increase.

When does jealousy get too much?

Jealousy becomes psychologically questionable when fear of loss - of fraud - shapes everyday life. Then the suffering is so great that it affects the quality of life. That of the jealous and that of the partner. It is not uncommon for the feeling to get something delusional: the jealous cannot be dissuaded from his conviction by anything. For him, the partner is "guaranteed" to be unfaithful and "only" needs to be transferred. In such cases, psychologists speak of pathological jealousy.

Low self-esteem often leads to jealousy

This primarily affects those people whose self-esteem is currently under attack. For example: A man with erection problems can quickly fixate on the idea that his partner is cheating. But in general, the feeling of not being worth anything can be a stepping stone for violent jealousy. It is also dangerous if you make your own well-being completely dependent on your partner, if you see him as the only source of meaning and happiness.

Despite jealousy, you should always tell the truth

As a partner, you must never allow yourself to be jealous. Otherwise he will demand more and more "proofs of love". And you shouldn't spare it either. For example, if you hide the fear of a jealousy scene that a man is leading the Zumba class in the gym, it doesn't do anything. On the contrary: if this white lie comes out, the jealous only feels confirmed that he has been lied to (and cheated).

A separate group of friends can help against jealousy

It is helpful to talk as a couple about what is allowed in the relationship and to make sure that you will stick to your limits. After that you can refuse any kind of control. If you yourself are affected by jealousy, you should definitely cultivate your hobbies and build up your own circle of friends! The more recognition and fun you have in life, the less you feel dependent on your partner. But if this passion, which, as the saying goes, "fervently seeks what creates suffering" becomes too violent, one thing is important: to seek help.

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Warning sign of excessive jealousy

Please answer the questions with yes or no.

• Do you think about whether your partner is cheating on you several times a day?
• Do you check his personal belongings (emails, cell phones, mail)?
• Do you spy on your partner when he leaves alone?
• Have you made jealousy scenes with your partner more often?
• Do you ask trick questions to your partner?
• Are you making control calls?
• Do you have frequent disputes about suspected infidelity?
• Does your partner control you?
• Do you feel constrained in your life by your partner's jealousy?

Evaluation: If you answered yes to more than two questions, you should consider getting professional help. In a couple therapy, both partners learn to deal with the problem. The reasons for excessive jealousy can be tracked down in conversation therapy.